► Smile and ask, “Why do you like relaxed hair?” That’s right. Put the pressure on them to explain themselves. Why should you? They are the ones with the issue so let them fluster about and explain why they like their own hair.
Now, they may come back quick but whatever they say just return with, “Oh, OK. Thanks for sharing…,” and move on. Change the subject, walk away…whatever you have to do to remove yourself from that negativity.
► Tell them, “My hair is healthier natural.” Yup, throw health in their face but make sure to not say natural hair is healthier than relaxed hair. First off, there are many relaxed women with healthy hair as they take wonderful care of it, so make it about you and what you deem right for you.
Secondly, remember that your goal is not to attack them because both of you would be in the wrong. This is not an attack on their hair but rather, an explanation of why you are natural and plan on staying this way. Your point will be made and they should move on.
► Smile and say, “You don’t have to like my hair but please keep your negative comments to yourself.” This is dicey but sometimes it needs to be said.
Not everyone feels comfortable saying this but there will be some for whom this response is warranted. We all have a family member that only shuts up when you shut them up with a curt comment. You know who they are so you are the judge on this one.
► Smile and ask, “Why does my hair bother you?” This is a good one. Most will say that it doesn’t and then they feel uncomfortable. Good. They need to feel ill at ease for saying something negative in the first place.
After they say, it doesn’t bother them then change the subject or move on. Again, you are putting them on the spot and since they chose to overstep their place with you, they need to reel it in.
► Tell them, “You are entitled to your opinion just as I am* entitled to mine.” Leave it at that. There is nothing more to be said and they will probably not know how to keep the negative conversation going. I love this one and use this one A LOT.
I’m a pretty confrontational person (yes, I know this). That’s why I added some calmer tips for the quieter ones or less confrontational naturals. The key in all the tips is to smile, say what is necessary and remove yourself from the equation. There are other family members to talk to but if the whole place is on your back…leave. You do not have to stay anywhere you are being verbally attacked. Family can be beautiful but stressful at the same time! Don’t sweat it though, and remember you want to keep it positive and festive but not at the expense of your sanity.
Enjoy your holidays and your hair and yes, naturals…you can do both!
“girl, what u got going on with ur head?” ” when are u going to go comb ur hair?” “i know ur not wearing ur hair like that, are u?” “oh. so thats a natural…” “heres a pretty scarf for u to tie around ur head.”
~ my family
Omg! That’s awful! Families ca be meaner than total strangers. Smh
We must be related because I have family members who would say the same thing. Family feels like they can say whatever they want because you are related. Sad and unfortunate.
I don’t mean to offend but, those are so funny but also hurtful.
Girl, family needs a timeout sometimes. Truly.
I have only experienced negativity about my hair from my siblings and grandmother. She’s an old school press & curl woman who feels she’s perfectly ok speaking her mind when it comes to my hair. She constantly tells me how nappy it is (even when I try to correct her and tell her it’s curly, not nappy). I’m amazed at my siblings who feel my natural hair choice is open to discussion or debate. It’s not. I tell them they weren’t consulted when I made this decision so their opinions aren’t needed. Now my friends, on the other hand, are ALL super supportive. Even strangers have told me how beautiful my hair is. Funny, I thought it was just me until I read this article. I would have guessed that I’d have more support from those closest to me instead of it being the other way around. But such is life and I’m not deterred in any way, shape or form, from continuing my hair journey. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life and I’m much happier as a result.
Thank you so much for sharing. No, you are not alone and some families can be cruel when we are at our most fragile. I know we want to believe that family can be supportive but the reality is that sometimes they are not and maybe some of these tips will help ones who are dreading the thought of the family Christmas dinner. Hopefully your siblings will understand where you are coming from or maybe just send this post over to them and I”m sure they will get the hint. Thanks again for sharing.
I like the hair, nice & it’s real!
I went completely natural a good 3 months ago.My mother has very unhealthy ,but long permed hair. My family always thought that when hair is out in an afro, that it needs to be straightened/relaxed because it is not presentable in public. My mother judges my hair everytime I choose a new style ,but my friends love it! Guess I have to deal with it lol. Going to try a little less confrontational approach considering she is my mother and I do not want to get slapped!
haha! Yes, I understand completely. Sometimes when my mother is going above and beyond I get super quiet and just refuse to continue the conversation. Not being rude just having nothing more to comment on that negative path. It usually changes the subject and that’s sometimes all you can hope for. Maybe she will ‘get it’ one day. Thanks for sharing.
My family my dad mainly always has the sarcastic comments to make about everything including hair. He taught me well though cause I always snap back with an equally bitting comment about his baldness and potbelly. Lol
LOL. Hey, you do what you gotta do to get your point across. Family is a mess!
Oh, please know that it says more about their insecurities about their hair when they make a negative comment about yours. It’s a personal preference, and just like I don’t tell you how to do your hair, don’t say a word to me about mine…unless there’s something in it that shouldn’t be. 😉
I can see you have no problems letting folks know but some have a harder time dealing with difficult family members. Yes, it does speak volumes that some have to be so negative. You hit the nail on the head.
My mother hate I BC a month ago and called me names. I was surprised but I’m use to her overreacting of little ish. Also I decided not to perm my soon to be 10yr old daughter’s hair( she is mixed with Hispanic) . I started with texturizers around 5ys old because I couldn’t get a comb through it and basically didn’t know how to deal with hair that wasn’t straight. At someone point I started perms and my mother would help when it wasn’t in the budget. Also her edges are sensitive and every month they would break off even with bonnets and pillowcase. Her hair touches her shoulder blades. I love her natural texture which is loose to tight spiral curls. My mother is highly pissed and threaten to call CPS because I refuse to get her hair relaxed! I’m at loss of words but it’s not about her and I have the final say so and that’s what pissed her off. She feel since she is 30 yrs my senior that she is right. I know my mother is crazy and I love her but the gloves came off when you threaten me like that. My daughter was crying and saying their is nothing wrong with her hair. I wash and condition every 2 weeks and I take that time to make sure as her mom that it is healthy.
Erica, you are among friends. Sometimes our support system comes at a price and that price is way too high. I am sorry your mother threatening you and trying to tell you she is right and you are wrong but as she raised you her way, you must raise your daughter YOUR WAY. I’m glad the gloves came off and she knows you are standing your ground. She will get over it and if not she will manage. Hopefully she won’t take matters into her own hands and perm your daughter’s hair (I have heard of situations like that). You have support right here and remember you are doing right by your daughter and yourself.
Thanks for the support. I had to go to my daughters school and put in writing to call me or my husband before allowing her to be picked up. It’s a shame that I have treat my mother like an enemy because she might do something on the fly. She also called the next day trying to take my daughter to choir practice for church and I said she isn’t going today or church on Sunday with you. So that is also adding fuel to fire. She doesn’t respect me as an adult or my decisions regarding my own child over some hair! I got called everything but the child of God. She has over step her bounds plenty times and I’m officially done tolerating it. It made me realize that my mother is a sad, miserable, petty person who isn’t Christ-like as she portrays to be. As long as I’m doing what she wants it’s peaceful. The upside is my husband is in the military and we are moving out of state early next year which she is also unhappy about! Lol! It crazy because whole time she was acting up she was saying “I’m not happy, I’m not happy!” My husband and I were like “it ain’t about you!” She always finds away to make it about her and this isn’t the first time.
You are dealing with a lot and I cannot imagine how you are handling it. Let me just say that normal is overrated and rare!!! We all have our issues so you are not alone. She will need to work out her own issues and you and your family have to do what is best for the three of you. Hopefully she will come to terms with you being an adult and you two can have a more positive relationship.
Stay strong and I’m happy you and your daughter are happy with your hair.
My mother and father’s disgust is because i big chopped my hair. My grandmother always preached a woman’s worth and beauty is in her hair and she should not cut the hair god gave her and my mother tried to use the spell on me. And i replied to them that i am choosing to wear the hair God gave me the way He gave it to me. I informed my father that i was not born with straight hair and that i had to chemically change my hair to get it to look like that. With that they backed off a little. My mother still complains that it is too thick and it will be sooo nappy. But she does not know how much research i have put into my hair before making this decision. I know once it grows back they will love it. until I love it enough for me and anyone else who might not.
Good for you Melissa. Family doesn’t always “get it” but as long as we do then we will be fine. Thanks for sharing.
My family loves my natural hair.It’s my non black co workers who do all the bitching.When it’s flat ironed or relaxed they go on and on about how “nice” it looks smdh
LOL I don’t have family members or friends crazy enough to ever attempt to come at me sideways about my hair. They know better and although I wouldn’t go off on them, they know they’d get checked to the point of being ready to leave the festivities after I was done reading them up, down, left to right.. If I don’t say anything about that lopsided wig or mangled horsehair weave they’re sporting, then better not say one word about the beautiful, thick, massive amount of curls I have growing from my scalp..
Dang, it’s rough out here for us “black” women no refuge if our own loved ones are doing that
Family is where most of the negativity starts!