As of 2 months ago, my older sister is newly engaged! She is the first out of my mom’s 3 children to be engaged, so this is pretty exciting, for everyone.
For me especially, because I am going to be one of her bridesmaids, and I’ve never been in anyone’s wedding before. So, the wedding planning has been off to a rapid start, and she basically hit the ground running.
But, the other night, we were having a conversation on 3-way, and my sister made a comment about how she wants her bridesmaids to look at the wedding.
One comment led to another, and she basically told me, not asked me, to wear my hair straight at the wedding, because it will look better than my wild natural hair.
I still don’t know what to think of that, because I think my hair is beautiful curly or straight, but it just immediately made me think about the insecurities that I’ve struggled with in the past about not feeling comfortable wearing my hair natural at my job, or in my graduate classes, or other professional settings.
So is natural hair not good enough or pretty enough or sophisticated enough to be worn at a wedding? I mean, why should one feel the need to tame their natural hair, and wear it straightened vs curly, based on how others will perceive it.
Also, I know my sister didn’t mean any harm, but using adjective “wild” in front of natural hair, had a negative connotation. It immediately made me think, when people are commenting on how pretty my natural hair is, are they simply lying? Because, my sister has said my hair was beautiful in the past, but it’s not beautiful enough to be seen at her special occasion.
I think that ultimately, I will appease my sister and wear my hair how she prefers, since it is her day, but I will not tame my natural hair in any other circumstance to appease anyone else. My natural hair shouldn’t offend you, and if it does, that is your problem, and not mine.
Have you ever been told by a family member that you had to straighten your hair for a special occasion?
That’s not sisterly and I would not have been a part if the bridal party if my natural hair is so unsightly
I wouldn’t want to miss my sisters big day over hair!
It is down right insulting and I would not be straightening my hair because she demanded. I would have no issues sitting in the audience. If me being the way God made me isn’t good enough for you then so be it. Sister or not…as a matter of fact she of all people should be the one to accept me.
I wouldn’t and if i had a sister she would let me be me and she probably would be natural.
Aww that’s sad. Well I guess Peace out then.
Since it is her wedding, she can dictate the style she wants for it. Your conceding to it is your gift to her and her day. That said, your feelings about the negative connotation of her comment are valid; she could have been more considerate. In this instance, I agree with your approach to the matter and hope you enjoy this exciting time with your family otherwise.
If you have NEVER worn your natural hair straight before….. I might understand the hesitancy. I would be SO GENUINELY Happy for my sibling that something like wearing my natural hair straight would not phase me one bit. Nope….
Her wedding….. Her day!
w’hat most “BRIDEZILLAS” need to understand that most of us live before and after their wedding day, keep your natural hair
That’s awful advice
I swear reading is so hard for people. Naturals straighten their hair sometimes once a year, sometimes more, for their own reasons. She said if she’s never straightened her hair that she understands her hesitancy, insinuating that if she does straighten it even once a year, then to consider straightening it for her sister big day. It’s the brides day after all, and all I got from this article was a bunch of selfishness from the sister of the bride. Hell, all else fails, get a wig! Problem solved.
Shadeah Long GIRL yes. EVERYbody wants to do an OP ED on some ISSUE they THINK they have! good grief!
Disagree, as a mother of a bride it is not all about the bride. You have to make compromises. She should not ask her to change for her wedding.
I have to agree with Tora-Joy. It kind of smacks of bridezilla-ism. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t have a bridal party at all. Wanted my friends to wear whatever they wanted and enjoy the special day without the stress of having to look a certain way.
If you had locs, would she have asked you to cut them off? It’s one thing to ask someone to wear a certain dress and shoes. It’s altogether something else to ask for a drastic hair change. Good luck.
Agreed.
She didn’t have to call it wild but, I would compromise and get a sew in /wig . It’s her day and all but,those “straightened ” pieces(if not done correctly) can last a lifetime .
Well she could get a lace front for the day.
I’m sure that this isn’t the first time the sister has made some sort of comment about her sisters natural hair that’s just what ignorant ( and I mean that in the nicest way possible) people do. A lot of black people still have not embraced natural hair and they probably never will but who cares. ONLY because its your sister straighten your hair for her wedding and move on. However to think that there’s something wrong with your God given hair that grows out of your scalp is sad.
I do agree with you in that not only does it smack of “bridezillaism” it’s kinda self hating. Knowing her sister’s struggle to accept get natural and then to call it wild and think it’s not special enough for her big day is just hurtful. So I would indeed attend the wedding as that is my sister but I would not be a part of the bridal party.
because she wants you to straighten your hair, SERIOUSLY? It’s not that serious, it’s just one day , and it’s hers.
From the looks of it the sisters straightens her hair from time to time… Her hair is still natural even when it’s straight …
Say I comply and it’s a humid summer wedding day. One bead of sweat and it’s bye bye straight hair. Why not ask her to put it in a regal bun or an updo, braids etc. What if she has delicate hair and doesn’t use heat at all. Lots of things to take into consideration, just don’t tell me I have to straighten my hair, you didn’t ask me to be in your wedding because of my hair 🙂
I personally think you’re probably over thinking the situation and since its you’re sister you should ask er what she meant with wild.
My interpretation of wild in this situation is : that you’re sister probably wants a uniform look for all the girls and and if you’re the only natural (curly) one it can look wild in the overall look, if that makes sense.
I totally agree.
I agree too. I think the author understood that her sister was not trying to be mean-spirited. Her sister just wanted a specific look for her wedding and her comment triggered the author’s insecurities about going natural. If it bothered the author enough, she could address it with her sister.
I guess the bride “wants a uniform look for all the girls” part of the wedding equation is the part I have never understood. If I ask my friends to be part of something important it’s because I value them for who they are and not because I want a certain look in photos. I’m white, but have curly hair. I doubt that any one of my friends would ask me to straighten my curls for an event. Why should it be any different for a black woman? It shouldn’t. My curly hair is my look. If my friend is black with natural hair – that’s her look. I would feel awful asking her to change her look for any reason.
Jennifer Arlinsky Watson I totally agree with you…why not ask the rest to get curly hair then lol the ignorance is beyond me!
Kiandra. Because that is not what the sister wants, but it might as well could have been that the sister wanted everyone to have curly hair. I don’t think this is a naturals vs … case, just a case of different types of taste.
Jennifer. In that case I would be a awful friend. I love symmetry and I would like to have by girls look the way I invision and they are different races and different sizes .
When I got married, I took all of this into consideration… I had women of different colors/races, hair & body types. I wanted them all in the same color, dress length, & for them to wear updos, partial or full… I left the execution up to them. One of them had natural hair & one had braids, both were able to an updo & they all looked GOOD… individually & collectively!!! I wanted my friends & family standing up for me… NOT the Stepford wives.
It sounds like the author does wear her hair straight from time to time, so this is not a case of her sister asking for something drastic. Her sister could have been more considerate with her words, but she has the right to dictate the style for her bridesmaids. Being a bridesmaid is an honour, but it is also a gift you give to the bride. I agree with the author’s approach and validate her sentiments. For those who feel it is asking too much, just decline to be a part of the wedding party — NEVER give a gift you can’t afford.
I like that , Never give a gift you can’t afford. … applies to all occasions.
I heard it once, and it became my life philosophy. Less grudging and allows you to feel good about sacrifice.
It’s hair, if u got sick tomorrow and lost all ur hair, then what. Work it out sisters.
This is insane, number one it’s your sisters day, and all of the attention should really be on her, and if your not wearing a Afro or kinky twist which theirs nothing wrong which these styles, as long as you can press your natural hair straight then cool, but if she’s demanding a perm, I would not be in her wedding.
I mean it is her grand day, and she is your sister. Wearing your hair a certain way is nothing.
For one day??? Forget about it!
Try a sew-in. You won’t have to worry about any heat damage or chemical damage to your hair. And it’s temporary, you can remove it when you want to.
Man…I wouldn’t have a problem with it, its my sisters wedding day I would do it with a smile on my face. Not a problem at all.
What’s wrong with that
The authors sister needs to get over herself. I get wanting a look. But how self absorbed do you have to be and honestly rude to tell your sister “Of I want you to be a bridesmaid and help plan everything and oh yeah get that nappy s**t oughta here”.
Nope.
I wouldn’t ask this of either of my sisters but my brother shaves his head bald I think I’ll ask him to grow some hair for my wedding
You don’t think that’s pretty much the same thing? That’s how he wants to wear his “hair”, why should he change that to be in your wedding?
what she said!
Fb gone mad! I meant to say no!
I think it’s just like asking someone to wear an updo, no bangs, or a certain make-up for the wedding. Remember, you can always propose alternatives to straightening your hair that would give the look she desires without specifically altering your texture or applying heat. As naturals we should be open to educating ourselves and others on styling options that defy the straight haired alternatives.
I think when she meant wild was in regards to the Afro or huge puff. Those are beautiful and bold statement hairstyles and we know it. It is different from a braid out, bun or twist out.
Which one is the brides sister?
For it’s ok to ask it’s the words her sister used wild hair? You
Naaaaaah bih I would have straight up told her that I’m not coming to the wedding then. My mom tried that with me for my sister’s graduation. She didn’t say that I had to straighten my hair, but I had to fix it up so it can look more ‘appropriate’. I just asked her one question: what does MY hair have to do with my sister graduating?
Why do females do this? They focus so much how they want their wedding to be that they lose sight of what it’s actually about. It’s not her day. It’s her AND her man’s day. I wouldn’t marry your sister if I was her fiancé, tbh.
I have the feeling that she asked you to “tame” your locks because your hair is THAT beautiful and she didn’t want your hair to upstage her. This reminds me of when some people suggest “don’t use heat often to straighten your hair, just maybe for special occasions”. What does that mean? That hair in its natural curly/wavy/coily/kinky state is not good enough for special occasions? I digress. To the writer of this post: do what you want. If you want to straighten your hair because your sister asked then go ahead, if you don’t want to then let her know and see what happens next. If you were bothered by what your sister said or how she said then speak up.
Thank you for your article about being asked to wear your hair straight for your sisters wedding. I will be getting married soon and I was told by one of my in laws to relax my hair as natural hair/braids would not look good on such a important occasion. We have truly been brainwashed as to what equates to beauty. It’s a real shame especially when I see a lot of teenage girls walking around with weaves down to their butts rocking the European look rather than embracing the natural versatile hair that they have been blessed with.
Wear a wig and keep it moving
If I were to ever get married and I do mean EVER, I’m glad most of my friends, cousins, and sisters are Natural!!
Her wedding, Her rules. Stop making an issue about a non-issue
It’s not uncommon for brides to have a special look in mind her big day. Up, down, half up half down, ponytail, bun, side swept, so having her say straight hair should not be so alarming it’s for a couple of hrs. Don’t make this about you. Let her have her day and her vision.
I would have a problem with that request that’s like suggesting put a weave in or dye it blonde Helll no! You continue to embrace your Black beauty, natural curls that God gave you and communicate your thoughts to your sister I’m sure she will support u and how your comfortable with yourself. One love
My sister would know not to ask me some s**t like that
Love my sis, but my hair is mine & I wear it natural. I would not straighten it for hers or anyone’s wedding. However, I WOULD compromise and wear a wig. But I guess locs are a bit different, which is how I wear it, so she probably wouldn’t ask me to change it?
Throw on a straight short wig at the wedding and after its over show your beautiful real natural hair!
she should have wore braids!
For the people who think her sister asking her to.straighten her hair is “nothing”, “it’s just one day”, “it seems as though she wears it straight sometimes” and “it’s her sister’s big day” would you feel the same way of her employer asked her to wear her hair straight for a company photo? I bet not, you would want to nail them to the cross. When we are talking about black hair it’s never “just hair”. It’s never something to “get over and comprise for that one day.” The fact that she feels a way doing it tells us that it’s not “nothing” . Her asking her not to wear her “wild” hair is has nothing to do with her “preferences”. Those are micro aggressions that stem from self hate. Like those little digs from your family when you wear your that twist out that you think is so cute to a family gathering. “oh why don’t you wear your hair more like (someone with a straight style)” “your hair looked so good when you had it straightened”. Of course they don’t mean to be self hating and ignorant but when they say those things they are perpetuating self hate. Yes it is her sister’s big day and she should have the most perfect day her heart desires but she should consider her sister who will be there for much longer than that .
Uuuuh that’s not cool at all.
Since it’s her wedding, I would get my hair flat ironed for that ONE DAY but noone else can’t dictate how I should wear my hair . I only get my hair flat ironed twice a year anyway.
It’s very simple. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s your sister’s day. It’s her day once again it’s her day. It’s not your day who gives a damn about how you want to wear your hair. If she wants you to wear your hair straight and if you want to be in the wedding. Then you wear your hair straight or don’t be in the wedding. It’s very simple. Once again it’s her day and it’s her choices and her decision. Not yours get over yourself quick fast and in a hurry.
I don’t know why everybody so hung up on straight, natural, perm, weave, etc…
It’s your sister’s wedding. She makes all of the decisions. What don’t you get? When you get engaged, then you can decide how people wear their hair. Until then just comply with your sister’s wishes and go up the dusty road.
I don’t straighten my hair ever. Not once in 9 years. So nope. I highly doubt this situation would ever happen to me because people who know me this but if it did I’m sure it would be a request and NOT an order. Also it’s the bride’s wedding but the people in her wedding party are also paying out money including for ugly a## dress you’ll likely never wear again. And I have worn my hair curly in wedding and was not a problem. Have seen other weddings with the same. Thinking our hair has to be straight to be formal is backwards thinking. .
Some wedding expert like David Tutera, stated the Bride should not asked someone to change something they don’t like about the person. At the Windy City Wedding Show I attended David told one women who stated that her sister wanted her to cover up her tattoos. David told the bride if you have a problem with her tattoo then don’t have her in your wedding. If you want her then accept HER. I agree this women know her sister is natural she needs to accept that. Contrary to popular belief it is not all about the bride. I personally would tell my sister, if you are that uncomfortable with my hair. I will gladly just be a guess.
My older sister is getting married this summer and it’s her wedding. If she wants my hair straightened, I’m going to straighten it. If she wants it shaved bald, I’m gonna sneer at her, but I’ll shave it. it’s just hair.One thing that I’m sensitive to is that I don’t know if I’m doing my own hair or if there is a salon doing it, and if there is a salon doing it do they do natural hair cause I don’t want someone jacking up my 3 LONG years of progress. I think it would have been better if she addressed it in a better way though. However when it’s your turn you can tell your sister that you want her hair to have texture to it and she’ll have to comply because it will be your day and your wedding. I like when people say my hair is wild. Cause it is, It’s WILD and AMAZING; STRONG and BEAUTIFUL. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for your hair being free and expressive.
For me my wedding day is my wedding day and I would appreciate it if the people that I chose to support me would just follow the request (if I had that as a request). You can call it a “Bridezilla” moment or whatever cause your not having your way, but if you can’t follow suit and the vision of a day that I’ve been waiting for then I have no issues with cutting you out. However I’m a person that likes to find styles that fits everyone so it makes my day less stressful, but come on, just give me this one day.
It’s her wedding she probably pictured how she wants everything to look from day one.
A lot of brides like their maids to look uniform.
I don’t think the bride was wrong in asking her sister to straighten her hair, I do however think her approach about it could have been more considerate. Get a wig, straighten your hair if you have to, it’s only one day you won’t die.
As for me I want all my bridesmaid rocking natural hairstyles. I want everyone to have one look and whoever doesn’t like it, we’ll they don’t have to take part, come as a guest! It’s my day, I will be looking at the pictures forever!