True Life: My Sister’s Husband Does Not Want Her To Big Chop – “I Met You With Long Hair”

black woman and manThe other night I was on the phone with my sister. She has been transitioning for almost 5 years now- a very long time because she has been going back and forth and giving in and getting a relaxer, and then starting over.

However, now she is finally ready to just bite the bullet and chop off the remainder of her relaxed ends. When she called me, she was hysterical! She said she and her husband got into a huge argument because he doesn’t want her to chop off her hair, and said that if she did, she wouldn’t be as attractive as she is now, and it wouldn’t be fair.

Now let me be clear, I am not married so I really found it hard to pick sides. I mean, on one hand I can understand where my sister is coming from, and that her hair is a part of her body, so it should be her choice how she styles it.

However, her husband had a point too. His argument was that he met her with long hair, not a short afro, so he thinks she should continue to transition and not big chop.

I hate getting in the middle of things, so I did the best I could to try to calm my sister down. I later then posed the topic to my group of natural girlfriends.

One of the women in the group is married, and went natural after she said ‘I Do.’ She agreed with my brother-in-law’s stance, on that my sister should take his opinion into consideration.

She told me that she and her husband had an open discussion about it, and they both agreed that she should transition versus just big chopping.


She then said to imagine if the tables were turned. What if the guy wanted to do something that would drastically change his physical appearance, even if it was temporary.

That made perfect sense to me… but when I later went and told my sister, she didn’t agree. She argued that it’s different. As of now, my sister is still transitioning and hasn’t gone ahead with the big chop, even though she does have a hair appointment scheduled for next weekend. I really hope this decision doesn’t cause wedge my sister’s marriage.

Has this ever happened to any of you, how did you handle it?

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About Brittany Waddell


Just a Southern girl taking life by storm in NYC! Oh- and I'm natural too:) Be sure to check out my posts to learn some tips and tricks on how I tame my natural hair!

About Brittany Waddell


Just a Southern girl taking life by storm in NYC! Oh- and I'm natural too:) Be sure to check out my posts to learn some tips and tricks on how I tame my natural hair!

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Stephanie RJareema Mooreladee neenahKimberly FerrellLolita Thompson Recent comment authors
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Carmella McCoy

One thing I do not do is allow a man to dictate what I do with MY hair. Either accept me as I am……or adios 😉

Kyla Harmon

I get that hair is a sensitive topic for black women and I know I’m gonna get blasted in these comments LOL but I’ma say it anyway. Right wrong or indifferent–Men are visual creatures. They are stimulated by what they see. There is a way for both of you to compromise and not allowing your man to express his opinion about how he prefers you to look is a contributing factor to why so many of us are single. The ultimate decision is mine but I would listen to his opinion and it holds A LOT of weight because I want him to desire me and only me. If my husband said he wanted to grow braids (which I despise on men) I’m going to do everything in my power to talk him out of it. EVERYTHING. Lol

tonia682
tonia682

I went through this same issue with my husband. His argument was that he met me one way and now I wanted to change. I told him that people change during marriage argument and explained why going natural was so important to me. Eventually, with time, he came around and even gave me my BC. Now almost six years later he is my biggest supporter. He even told me he didn’t like my hair straightened after I was natural for a while. Men don’t like change and can be afraid of the unknown. A constant reassurance that it will work out in the end might help.

Karone Cleveland

I have mixed feelings about this topic… Lolita Thompson

Lolita Thompson

I do too. I feel if my significant other changes something drastically give me a heads up but you don’t have to ‘ask’.

Karone Cleveland

Right! I told Harry what I was doing and he was concerned (very) but he said “well it’s your hair” lol

Lolita Thompson

Lol. I think true love sees past that. You like it he’ll love it.

Kimberly Ferrell
Kimberly Ferrell

You know? Its funny we have all of these Black men yelling and screaming about Black women and their hair. Saying we are crazy and they love us natural and all. But this is a testament to the fact that most Black men like us to have long hair.They say we wear weave and relaxers to be like White women and because we hate ourselves and to impress each other. But our self esteem suffers because we hear one thing but they don’t show us that.

Kimberly Ferrell
Kimberly Ferrell

I think we should do what makes us happy and have confidence. It will work out in the end. She could show him how beautiful natural hair looks even when its short.

ladee neenah
ladee neenah

Isn’t there some compromise that can be reached? This is her husband and his opinion should be of value to her as hers should be to him. Things to consider: How long will her hair be when she cuts the relaxed ends off? What styles does she plan to wear? How involved is he in the daily maintenance of her hair? I would definitely have him sit with me during a detangling session and see how difficult it is to manage the two textures. This doesn’t have to be this difficult.

Jareema Moore

Girl do what you want.

Stephanie R
Stephanie R

When I went natural I didn’t do the big chop. I had someone who would trim the end and I got my done in flat twists and I kept getting flat twists and I eventually and I decided to loc my hair. I had the talk with my husband and he said as I didn’t get fake hair he did not care. Although I valued his opinion I ultimately made my choice. Locs were in my head for 7 years and then I decided to make the chop. Kept it super short and now I growing my hair out again with coils. I embraced my natural curls and I am more happy when I can change my looks. In the words of India Arie I am not my hair. If you feel strongly embrace your feelings and your hair do what you like, it is just hair and it will grow again. It is an accessory not mandatory nor should it be a deal breaker