Since Going Natural I Get Less Attention From Men And It Is Perfectly Ok

black man
Time and time again I have overheard men’s conversations about how “women only like a man with money” or “once he gets all the money he can have any girl he wants”. This dangerous fairy tale, frequently sold to men by rap stars, often traps these men with the wrong woman: one who preys on their wallets. It leaves no mention of the kind of woman who is not so easily persuaded by a money clip: the independent one who has her own.

After reading a fellow BHI writer’s article about the intimidation factor of big, black hair, it solidified the idea that men would still stay far away from me as a natural-haired women. Not for lack of attraction, but rather the formidable statement of it. It made me realize how far we have come from the old adage of men courting women.

When did men become too terrified to go after what they wanted, or feel that it was best to simply go with the safe bet? What happened to the man whose heart would flutter at the sight of a woman with strength and independence? Rather we live now in a world where many men have forgotten what it’s like to be a man; what it takes to be a man. Not to take away from our strength as women, but why should any man be intimidated by a woman? Or feel as though he were a lesser than?

The men who feel that way end up living out a self-fulfilling prophecy and no doubt don’t deserve a powerful woman, but that leaves the sea quite scant when it comes to the number of available men who appreciate this type of woman. Where are the men who in days of old would have appreciated a woman who could meet him at his level?

The truth is there are many more high-performing women in this world than there are high-performing men. This simple fact alone means that for most of us strong, independent types have a steep road ahead to traverse in order to find an equal, and even steeper still to find a man who exceeds us.

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About Linda Cabinda

Linda Cabinda was born in the West African nation of Cameroon. She graduated from the University of Southern California with a BA in English. Her journey of self-realization has taken her from Los Angeles, to Chicago, and even Miami. She is a writer and "resident creative" currently residing in New Jersey.

About Linda Cabinda

Linda Cabinda was born in the West African nation of Cameroon. She graduated from the University of Southern California with a BA in English. Her journey of self-realization has taken her from Los Angeles, to Chicago, and even Miami. She is a writer and "resident creative" currently residing in New Jersey.


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  1. ladee neenah

    I may get less “hollas” than I used to get with relaxed hair, but the quality of those approaches has increased. It may not be the appearance of your hair that is putting men off. You may give off an attitude or energy that pushes men away. Especially when you speak of cowardice in men. You may want to evaluate your self and see if you are wearing your “strong, independent woman” badge as armor. These are the things that push men away, not encourage them to engage you. Men don’t care about your independence, they want your softness and femininity as a contrast to their own masculinity. They believe money and power are the things that draw women because that is what we show them. We flock to the men who have those things.

    1. MsCDwel

      I get more “quality” approaches too, and quite unexpectedly, more so from other races.

      1. MsCDwel

        Makes me wonder what the “hollas” with the relaxed hair are r-e-a-l-l-y about.

    2. Russell

      That was rigjt on point, i had the same thoughts as I was reading this article. Yes, are men shallow as heck when it comes to appearances, well, I’ll speak for myself, I am very shallow but the number one thing that will cause me to hesitate on approaching a beautiful female is her attitude. If a women acts like ” Ms. I can do it all by myself and I don’t need no man” then I’m quickly turned off. Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t want no weak woman but at least be able to show your femininity. I truly believe that this woman in this article is very beautiful with her natural hair and someone who can truly be loved, but her attitude towards men who do not approach her is all jacked up in my opinion. And besides, as a man I wouldn’t want a bunch of women always approaching me to get with me, I rather wait on the Lord to send me that one special woman that matches my needs, wants and desire much like Ruth and Boaz.

  2. Chelsea A Chelsea

    Oh my god yes.i use to be a look at me type of person for men. And it took alot of work on myself to understand that I should not want that kind of attention because its the wrong kinda attention but through work and going natural and loving myself im a more humble person and ready to live my life for me.

  3. Jane Doe

    They are concerned about what their friends – other men would think.

  4. Nat Smith

    Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully that will change. I get just as much if not more attention from men. They often comment that they love and prefer natural hair. Keep the faith.

  5. Shemeka Griffin Adams

    I can’t say I get less attention but it certainly is different. And that’s a good thing. To sum it up, my natural hair seemed to separate the men from the boys.

  6. Lena Killion

    Hell, I get more! Natural hair is BEAUTIFUL! Maybe it also has to do with my preference in men…

  7. Betty Wright

    Don’t worry about attention from Men…After all you come to a point in your life when you have to realize you are Beautiful anyway…Not to say their attention is not wanted, quite the contrary….But if you really look at the majority of men giving attention, how many of those men are of quality… Right now may seem like a struggle inside, but it’s in the time of struggle you realize who you are…You realize what you are made of….And you will now see what type of man is good for you…And not just what type of man you want…

  8. Stacey Peters
    Stacey Peters

    Me too, but once I straighten it and it’s super long and shiney from keeping heat and chemicals on it, ITS on and I can attract that one I really want….

  9. Diamind Child
    Diamind Child

    Ok for me not all men luv and appreciate natural beauty. Some men like the fake stuff to each its own

  10. Sharon Pickens
    Sharon Pickens

    Self love!!!! I love my locs and shake, swing, and toss them in their face to give them something to drool, hate, or love about….who cares????

  11. Taryn Williams-Cobb
    Taryn Williams-Cobb

    I haven’t got that reaction so far. I believe it the why certain down Black women. What wrong with wearing our hair in its natural state? I love my locs!

  12. Dawn Myers
    Dawn Myers

    I found that the quantity of attention decreased, but the caliber of men I got attention from and the way they approached me improved. Also, it won’t be the same once your hair grows longer. It’ll never be the same, but that’s been a plus for me. Our natural hair somehow demands respect that I didn’t get when I was shape shifting for other people’s comfort, and that respect is so much bigger than the male gaze.

    1. Dawn Myers
      Dawn Myers

      Portia Barrows congrats! I didn’t know. It’s a frustrating process, but so worth it. It’s completely changed how I interact with the world around me in ways both big and small. Can’t wait to cheat how things are going! I’m here, of course, for advice!

    2. Wan Da
      Wan Da

      Same here. People in general are more friendly towards me too. Maybe natural hair just made me appear more approachable..I’m not sure.

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