Since Going Natural I Get Less Attention From Men And It Is Perfectly Ok

woman with afro
Since going natural I have often felt undesired due to the lack of acknowledgment of the beauty of my natural hair. I was a girl who was used to men hitting on me, and when I went out, men gave me lots of attention; the minute I went natural, most of this disappeared.

Every now and so often there are still men that approached me, but they are of a much lower caliber than what I was used to. It can be disheartening, and often I feel like I am in the midst of some great trial of inner strength and self-confidence.

I know at any point in time that I could don a wig or a sew in and immediately receive the same attention that I was previously used to, but there is something about placing yourself in a position of discomfort that is important for self-awareness, self-love, and growth.

Although the strange thing is, I know this lack of attention paid to my natural hair is only going to last for a period of one to two years as my hair is presently hanging in that “awkward growth phase” where it is too long to be short, and yet still too short to be long.

I know that after my natural hair reaches a point where it grows past the length of my shoulders unstretched, the stream of attention I once received will return with a vengeance….but I can’t shake the feeling that at that point that the majority of attention I will receive will originate from other black women who are curious about how I achieved such lengths. I often wonder if the men will be in tow, or if they will remain as silent as they have been towards me for the past couple years.

My confidence has strengthened because without everyone else to tell me how beautiful I am, I have forced myself to repeat this piece of knowledge to myself in the mirror.

This was something I first did when I was twelve years old, because none of the boys at school ever told me they liked me, and my parents had never once said I was beautiful.


I was the girl whom boys talked about behind my back with excitement, but never once said anything to my face. This strange reality became clear to me one night in college when a male friend of mine decided to break “guy code” and reveal to me that all the men at the party I was in attendance at where talking about how beautiful I was, but not one thought that they would have any success with me.

It was a strange revelation, but it gave me insight to the level of cowardice that exists in “men” today. I am a kind and friendly girl; in my mind, not at all intimidating. But the man of today is more likened unto a boy, his ego is fragile, his level of confidence deeply linked to an imagined correlation with money and power.

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About Linda Cabinda


Linda Cabinda was born in the West African nation of Cameroon. She graduated from the University of Southern California with a BA in English. Her journey of self-realization has taken her from Los Angeles, to Chicago, and even Miami. She is a writer and "resident creative" currently residing in New Jersey.

About Linda Cabinda


Linda Cabinda was born in the West African nation of Cameroon. She graduated from the University of Southern California with a BA in English. Her journey of self-realization has taken her from Los Angeles, to Chicago, and even Miami. She is a writer and "resident creative" currently residing in New Jersey.

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Comments

  1. ladee neenah

    I may get less “hollas” than I used to get with relaxed hair, but the quality of those approaches has increased. It may not be the appearance of your hair that is putting men off. You may give off an attitude or energy that pushes men away. Especially when you speak of cowardice in men. You may want to evaluate your self and see if you are wearing your “strong, independent woman” badge as armor. These are the things that push men away, not encourage them to engage you. Men don’t care about your independence, they want your softness and femininity as a contrast to their own masculinity. They believe money and power are the things that draw women because that is what we show them. We flock to the men who have those things.

    1. MsCDwel

      I get more “quality” approaches too, and quite unexpectedly, more so from other races.

      1. MsCDwel

        Makes me wonder what the “hollas” with the relaxed hair are r-e-a-l-l-y about.

    2. Russell

      That was rigjt on point, i had the same thoughts as I was reading this article. Yes, are men shallow as heck when it comes to appearances, well, I’ll speak for myself, I am very shallow but the number one thing that will cause me to hesitate on approaching a beautiful female is her attitude. If a women acts like ” Ms. I can do it all by myself and I don’t need no man” then I’m quickly turned off. Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t want no weak woman but at least be able to show your femininity. I truly believe that this woman in this article is very beautiful with her natural hair and someone who can truly be loved, but her attitude towards men who do not approach her is all jacked up in my opinion. And besides, as a man I wouldn’t want a bunch of women always approaching me to get with me, I rather wait on the Lord to send me that one special woman that matches my needs, wants and desire much like Ruth and Boaz.

  2. Chelsea A Chelsea

    Oh my god yes.i use to be a look at me type of person for men. And it took alot of work on myself to understand that I should not want that kind of attention because its the wrong kinda attention but through work and going natural and loving myself im a more humble person and ready to live my life for me.

  3. Jane Doe

    They are concerned about what their friends – other men would think.

  4. Nat Smith

    Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully that will change. I get just as much if not more attention from men. They often comment that they love and prefer natural hair. Keep the faith.

  5. Shemeka Griffin Adams

    I can’t say I get less attention but it certainly is different. And that’s a good thing. To sum it up, my natural hair seemed to separate the men from the boys.

  6. Lena Killion

    Hell, I get more! Natural hair is BEAUTIFUL! Maybe it also has to do with my preference in men…

  7. Betty Wright

    Don’t worry about attention from Men…After all you come to a point in your life when you have to realize you are Beautiful anyway…Not to say their attention is not wanted, quite the contrary….But if you really look at the majority of men giving attention, how many of those men are of quality… Right now may seem like a struggle inside, but it’s in the time of struggle you realize who you are…You realize what you are made of….And you will now see what type of man is good for you…And not just what type of man you want…

  8. Stacey Peters
    Stacey Peters

    Me too, but once I straighten it and it’s super long and shiney from keeping heat and chemicals on it, ITS on and I can attract that one I really want….

  9. Diamind Child
    Diamind Child

    Ok for me not all men luv and appreciate natural beauty. Some men like the fake stuff to each its own

  10. Sharon Pickens
    Sharon Pickens

    Self love!!!! I love my locs and shake, swing, and toss them in their face to give them something to drool, hate, or love about….who cares????

  11. Taryn Williams-Cobb
    Taryn Williams-Cobb

    I haven’t got that reaction so far. I believe it the why certain Black.men down Black women. What wrong with wearing our hair in its natural state? I love my locs!

  12. Phyllis Snow Graham
    Phyllis Snow Graham

    If u love the way u look then that’s ok, most black men looking for white women but u are beautiful just love yourself

  13. Dawn Myers
    Dawn Myers

    I found that the quantity of attention decreased, but the caliber of men I got attention from and the way they approached me improved. Also, it won’t be the same once your hair grows longer. It’ll never be the same, but that’s been a plus for me. Our natural hair somehow demands respect that I didn’t get when I was shape shifting for other people’s comfort, and that respect is so much bigger than the male gaze.

    1. Dawn Myers
      Dawn Myers

      Portia Barrows congrats! I didn’t know. It’s a frustrating process, but so worth it. It’s completely changed how I interact with the world around me in ways both big and small. Can’t wait to cheat how things are going! I’m here, of course, for advice!

    2. Wan Da
      Wan Da

      Same here. People in general are more friendly towards me too. Maybe natural hair just made me appear more approachable..I’m not sure.

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