Since going natural I have often felt undesired due to the lack of acknowledgment of the beauty of my natural hair. I was a girl who was used to men hitting on me, and when I went out, men gave me lots of attention; the minute I went natural, most of this disappeared.
Every now and so often there are still men that approached me, but they are of a much lower caliber than what I was used to. It can be disheartening, and often I feel like I am in the midst of some great trial of inner strength and self-confidence.
I know at any point in time that I could don a wig* or a sew in and immediately receive the same attention that I was previously used to, but there is something about placing yourself in a position of discomfort that is important for self-awareness, self-love, and growth.
Although the strange thing is, I know this lack of attention paid to my natural hair is only going to last for a period of one to two years as my hair is presently hanging in that “awkward growth phase” where it is too long to be short, and yet still too short to be long.
I know that after my natural hair reaches a point where it grows past the length of my shoulders unstretched, the stream of attention I once received will return with a vengeance….but I can’t shake the feeling that at that point that the majority of attention I will receive will originate from other black women who are curious about how I achieved such lengths. I often wonder if the men will be in tow, or if they will remain as silent as they have been towards me for the past couple years.
My confidence has strengthened because without everyone else to tell me how beautiful I am, I have forced myself to repeat this piece of knowledge to myself in the mirror.
This was something I first did when I was twelve years old, because none of the boys at school ever told me they liked me, and my parents had never once said I was beautiful.
I was the girl whom boys talked about behind my back with excitement, but never once said anything to my face. This strange reality became clear to me one night in college when a male friend of mine decided to break “guy code” and reveal to me that all the men at the party I was in attendance at where talking about how beautiful I was, but not one thought that they would have any success with me.
It was a strange revelation, but it gave me insight to the level of cowardice that exists in “men” today. I am a kind and friendly girl; in my mind, not at all intimidating. But the man of today is more likened unto a boy, his ego is fragile, his level of confidence deeply linked to an imagined correlation with money and power.
ladee neenah says
I may get less “hollas” than I used to get with relaxed hair, but the quality of those approaches has increased. It may not be the appearance of your hair that is putting men off. You may give off an attitude or energy that pushes men away. Especially when you speak of cowardice in men. You may want to evaluate your self and see if you are wearing your “strong, independent woman” badge as armor. These are the things that push men away, not encourage them to engage you. Men don’t care about your independence, they want your softness and femininity as a contrast to their own masculinity. They believe money and power are the things that draw women because that is what we show them. We flock to the men who have those things.
I get more “quality” approaches too, and quite unexpectedly, more so from other races.
Makes me wonder what the “hollas” with the relaxed hair are r-e-a-l-l-y about.
That was rigjt on point, i had the same thoughts as I was reading this article. Yes, are men shallow as heck when it comes to appearances, well, I’ll speak for myself, I am very shallow but the number one thing that will cause me to hesitate on approaching a beautiful female is her attitude. If a women acts like ” Ms. I can do it all by myself and I don’t need no man” then I’m quickly turned off. Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t want no weak woman but at least be able to show your femininity. I truly believe that this woman in this article is very beautiful with her natural hair and someone who can truly be loved, but her attitude towards men who do not approach her is all jacked up in my opinion. And besides, as a man I wouldn’t want a bunch of women always approaching me to get with me, I rather wait on the Lord to send me that one special woman that matches my needs, wants and desire much like Ruth and Boaz.
Gwendolyn Joseph says
Veronica R Drake says
I can relate
Svetlana Donk says
I get more respectful comments now.
“Goodday miss your hair looks lovely”
Taylor Arianna says
That only means the one who loves you for you gets a better chance to come along
Hayleigh-joy Rose says
I get none
Stacie Hart says
Flashback 70’s style!!! I love it….
Aisha Logan says
I get more. Also I’m noticing white men LOVE natural hair
Clarissa D. Brown says
I get the same. Nothing has changed for me
Cheryl Jenkins says
Thank God.for the men that are genuinely attracted to you for you! Less growing pains!
Chelsea A Chelsea says
Oh my god yes.i use to be a look at me type of person for men. And it took alot of work on myself to understand that I should not want that kind of attention because its the wrong kinda attention but through work and going natural and loving myself im a more humble person and ready to live my life for me.
MsMasterpiece Love says
It’s not less and it’s different better #Respect from the ones that appreciate the change
Yolanda Hunte says
It’s perfectly ok…
Shonda Smith says
I get even more attention from men!!!
Rumbidzai Melba Chinyama says
Not really less attention but a different kind. The best kind. Love it.
Vivien Chizoba Anyanwu says
Kimberly Champion says
for me its the opposite. they stare and ask questions
Summer Breeze says
I’m am loving mine✊
Nataucha Gray says
Maybe it’s you
Jane Doe says
They are concerned about what their friends – other men would think.
Nat Smith says
Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully that will change. I get just as much if not more attention from men. They often comment that they love and prefer natural hair. Keep the faith.
Shemeka Griffin Adams says
I can’t say I get less attention but it certainly is different. And that’s a good thing. To sum it up, my natural hair seemed to separate the men from the boys.
Roxie Heart says
Exactly. A Real Mature Man will appreciate how you are taking care of yourself
Lena Killion says
Hell, I get more! Natural hair is BEAUTIFUL! Maybe it also has to do with my preference in men…
Monica Thornton-Anderson says
It’s not your hair…it’s those men
Betty Wright says
Don’t worry about attention from Men…After all you come to a point in your life when you have to realize you are Beautiful anyway…Not to say their attention is not wanted, quite the contrary….But if you really look at the majority of men giving attention, how many of those men are of quality… Right now may seem like a struggle inside, but it’s in the time of struggle you realize who you are…You realize what you are made of….And you will now see what type of man is good for you…And not just what type of man you want…
Vonnie Willis says
Is this for real
Sophia DIxon says
Probably she wasn’t combing her natural hair pretty,!!,just saying
Falisha Kinsey says
I have been natural for 8 years and I get the same or maybe more attention from men.
FutureAttorney Williams says
Grace Washington says
Me too lol
Bernita E Gray-johns says
Dez McGriff-Bowdan says
Yep. Helped weed out the unchanged mind.
Toyia Newman says
Dez McGriff-Bowdan beautifully stated n so true
Dez McGriff-Bowdan says
Toyia Newman thank you
Stacey Peters says
Me too, but once I straighten it and it’s super long and shiney from keeping heat and chemicals on it, ITS on and I can attract that one I really want….
Mo Smith says
Diamind Child says
Ok for me not all men luv and appreciate natural beauty. Some men like the fake stuff to each its own
Pamela Wilder says
Not Meee, My DM Stay Full! :*
Carleatha Sheffield says
Lena Killion says
Yeah…I seem to get more…but I want them to go away.????
Imogene Clark Reddick says
Why sale your soul to the devil, real man love a natural woman
Kelvin Daniels says
Always natural Always have been! You are what God made you
Tameka Ferrebee says
Alot of men love it it’s natural.❤
Iesha Richardson says
I can agree but it just weeds out the players (people lookin just to waste time)
Sharon Pickens says
Self love!!!! I love my locs and shake, swing, and toss them in their face to give them something to drool, hate, or love about….who cares????
Caron Haynes says
Sharon Pickens wow ???? girl tell them like it is I love it ????
Huvie Joe says
Taryn Williams-Cobb says
I haven’t got that reaction so far. I believe it the why certain Black.men down Black women. What wrong with wearing our hair in its natural state? I love my locs!
Marquita Johnson says
Really?! I actually get more attention and compliments… from other races too.
Shine Bright says
Marquita Johnson same here.
Joycelyn Cannon says
No compliments from brothas, but white folks love my hair and they DO NOT ask to touch it
Tina Renee says
Same here. I do have one coworker who wants to but knows better.
Santiague Deprez says
YAZZZZ you’re no longer a fetish you are a genuine Beauty!!!
Phyllis Snow Graham says
If u love the way u look then that’s ok, most black men looking for white women but u are beautiful just love yourself
Dawn Myers says
I found that the quantity of attention decreased, but the caliber of men I got attention from and the way they approached me improved. Also, it won’t be the same once your hair grows longer. It’ll never be the same, but that’s been a plus for me. Our natural hair somehow demands respect that I didn’t get when I was shape shifting for other people’s comfort, and that respect is so much bigger than the male gaze.
Kate R Vonne says
That wasnt true for me
Dawn Myers says
Portia Barrows congrats! I didn’t know. It’s a frustrating process, but so worth it. It’s completely changed how I interact with the world around me in ways both big and small. Can’t wait to cheat how things are going! I’m here, of course, for advice!
Wan Da says
Same here. People in general are more friendly towards me too. Maybe natural hair just made me appear more approachable..I’m not sure.
Joyce Brown says
Brothers have always complimented my natural…. it’s some black women giving the crazy looks
Tommi Lushun says
I never experienced that ????????♀️
Ariane Dent says
I have experience this with men and women. When I wear my hair straight I get lots of attention compliments from African-American men and women, but when I wear my hair in its natural curly state, I get less attention from African-American men and women; however, I get a lot of compliments from caucasian man and woman about my natural hair…I know it’s sounds weird, but it’s true. So I understand what she is saying and I am Ok wit it too!!
Helen Wynne says
Ariane Dent we are so programmed to the world and what the world says beautiful do you love yourself and don’t worry about nobody because you know that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and if you want to wear your natural hair you do that you are not to please people be comfortable within yourself God made you to be beautiful and wonderfully made do what makes you happy and be blessed
Joan Wise Williams Smith says
That’s because black men have issues with our/Their hair and skin selfhate it’s sad. So forget then and date white men. Look how they treated serena find all types of things about that lady .but looks at her now we need to learn to love our self or find someone who will
Ariane Dent says
I love myself and I think black women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. I love that more women are happy with themselves, especially sporting their natural hair!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Johari Kafi says
I don’t and I even get hired more.
Roy Ralls says
You’re bald, how is that natural
Bobette Patton says
It is the quality not the quantity.
Pamela Davies says
YES! I’m at the point in life where I could give a hot fart also.
Enoch Mubarak says
This article says more about the men than it does about her….MEANWHILE …. “Every now and so often there are still men that approached me, but they are of a much lower caliber than what I was used to.” …..Says more about her than it does about the men ….. GRADE C.
When some men think of natural, they are thinking loose curls, soft 3a/3b hair… When a sister with the course 4c comes out, they are often met with rejection or critic… Before I loc my hair, I can not tell you how many times both men and women ask me what I my going to do to my hair… Uhmm, Im going to leave it alone I would say. I dont want to be a slave to curl producs and twisting everynight in order to have assumed curls. My hair does not curl, I keep afro, or put it in a tight bun (with no desires to gel down my kinks)… Fast forward to now; I have long locs. Again, I don’t retwist every 6-8 wks. I don’t keep them neat. I maintain my hair in a way that expresses my freedom. Sometimes I do it up nicely; and sometimes I don’t. Anyway, all this to say, you have to be comfortable in your skin and be proud of your own beauty. When people/men say they accept natural hair- I don’t think they mean it, so don’t look for validation.
True for me. They really do like the straight and long UNLESS you have other features that make up for having nappy hair like being exceptionally beautiful and being skinny with a curvy body.
I don’t have none of this shit and may forego trying to date until my hair grows out and I can wear it kinda straight again. Ain’t nobody checkin for me but they were when my hair was a bit longer.
And men are cheap as fuck now, even those with money. I am a cheap date but they still don’t wanna buy anything, instead wanting higher class women with higher class taste but calling everyone a gold digger.
Sorry but you lost me at ” much lower caliber” and then you wonder why others are judging you because of your hair. II actually thought this was going to be some deep, revelatory post but instead it just comes across as having being written by a whiny narcissist who is feeling attention deprived.