The other day we received an email from one of our readers and after talking to her a bit we asked if we could share it with our audience in hopes of getting even more advice on the topic. Here is the email:
hi BHI I need some help. I have been natural for 1 year now and i love it but my husband hates it! he says that he finds natural hair ugly and he refuses to make love any more with my hair looking like that. I wear a wig* most days and I have to keep it on in the bedroom too but I want to give it up now and just have my natural hair. what do I do???
When we read the note we had two thoughts – How does a man in this day and age still have a problem with the natural hair of his woman? After all what does he think is growing out of his own head?
Then we thought that she isn’t the only one with that problem, because even though she was brave enough to ask the question, there are still women out there dealing with natural hair ridicule on a daily basis from the people they know and love.
The first piece of advice we had was open communication, find out from hubby why he does not like natural hair and we told her to be very clear that his feelings makes her feel bad and that he should respect her decision to go natural.
The second thing we wanted to drive home to her and anyone in this situation is that you should never have to compromise the things that make you .. you. Natural hair is not a choice; in other words, regardless of what you do to your hair once it leaves your scalp –perm, color, cut, cover it up with wigs*, it will always grow out with your own unique curl pattern.
We spend a ton of time talking about the aesthetics of hair, and all the different things you can do to make it ‘look’ better or different. At the core of all of this rhetoric is the fact that you must appreciate the foundation, where it all began. Your naked hair the one you were born with is not something you should have to hide!
Black men who do not appreciate our natural hair also do not appreciate their own natural hair and the conversation is deeper than what they make it out to be. In other words it is not just about you so the compromise should not come just from you.
We do not know the intricacies of anyone’s relationship but generally if your man refuses to be intimate with you because of your hair, there might be deeper issues to explore. The best thing to do is to approach the topic openly with 100% honesty so that both of you can find out the real issue and move on from there.
Finally you have to wear your natural hair with confidence, style your hair, put on make up if that is what you are into, dress nicely, do what makes you sexy for you.
Confidence is a powerful thing, it can change a person’s perception of you without you ever uttering a word. Strut your natural hair and own it in a way that makes you feel good because at the end of the day you are not doing anything wrong other than loving who you are.
We really want to give the most constructive advice to women who deal with this daily, so weigh in, what would your best advice be to this lady and her husband? Comment below!
He has issues..or is that his excuse
What kind of nonsense is that
Exactly
Sounds like something shady going on
Thats not yo real husband gurl.
Wow
your hair is part of you. so did he marry your hair or did he marry you.
Then he has a boyfriend
wear a wig maybe. i cant say anything against him as i have my preferences about my husbands hair and facial hair. he wears it all the way i like
but why should that be an issue???….seems he is more attracted to physical features than what is inside from a partner. Clearly I hope he realizes that he too grows natural hair as well!!!
Get a divorce
Leave
Get a new husband that would appreciate u for u !
Well, you need to rethink your marriage. That is not a good sign.
Buy him a blow up doll with a Caucasian wig and put them both in the chicken coop. Silly fool
?????
Hi five for that✋ ! Ridiculous.
He is thinking about his side girl so he is using your hair but do one better get the hell out of the marriage and find someone who will love you for you he is a little boy in a so to man body so sorry
Amen.
If you have a partner that has known you for wearing your hair in a particular way then obviously he’ll be attracted to that version of you because that’s what he’s knows. A lot of men are conditioned to be attracted to the long silky hair.. But some barriers are meant to be broken lol
The first year of being natural is the hardest if you have a partner.. Your hair is shorter and coily. Explain to him why you went natural, relaxers were damaging my scalp and I explained to my partner if he would prefer me bald in when I’m 40 or have thick and healthy hair (he chose the latter obviously) he’s Learnt to accept it and now after 2 years he absolutely loves my natural hair and prefers for me to wear it curly. If he loves you he’ll accept it. I think he’s being very childish by not being intimate with you.. He’s trying to force you to change back but stay strong and remember why you chose this journey
My husband don’t always like my hair styles but it doesn’t keep him from being intimate with me. But because I know what he like and don’t like I switch it up sometimes. That is what weave is for and if that don’t work you need to ask him what is really bothering him. Communication is the key to solving the problem talk it out. Pray everything gets better with you both. Divorce should never be the first option when things get hard we should try to work it out first.
This man has been brain washed into thinking straight hair is the only thing that is beautiful black women have been forced to straighten their hair they could not get work other wise The sad thing is if a black woman from birth grew her hair naturally by 8 she would have hair down her back which can be blown out or left curly .That being said he needs to love the woman more than her hair Real Men Do
Lol dude gay my honey loves it
Men LOVE natural hair…..so what’s his problem
He gay
Right
Leave his a**
He won’t hold out for too long
Pray for him and yourself.
Sorry, but I have to suspect the man is up to something. If a man truly loves you, he can’t resist getting intimate with you, and if he’s anything like my husband, a few days is all he can muster. I dare say he might be getting his rocks off somewhere else, and this is just an excuse. Sorry, just my 2 cents. If he’s – for real – not attracted to the natural hair (“weeird.”) then whatever, just get it straightened just for him. Not relaxed, if you like, but healthily blow dried and straightened every week or so. Sometimes you just have to do what you just have to do!!!!! Honestly…….
i hope you wont listen to this bad Advice on this page. If u were a certain way to get a man dont change that cos u have him now. My fiance knows i dont like his beard that he sometimes grows cos he is too lazy to shave! I dont kiss guys with mustache. He knows that. Our relationship is one of love, respect and understanding. Sometimes we have to compromise to keep our loved ones happy. I wouldn’t let something as putting relaxer ruin my relationship because im a im being stubborn. Get a weave and keep that natural hair covered if u really dont want to give it up
??????she shall never have to compromise her happiness, you can’t make anyone happy if you’re not happy. This go deeper than a relaxer.
I dont know if her happines is tied to her hair maybe.
Wow.
You need to find ANOTHER HUSBAND
Not good advice
O there’s always 1
Yeah Sym. Aint nobody go time for games.
He is a fool. What is his natural hair. How does it look like? Is that reason he is bold? Afraid of his own natural? Come on!
You shouldn’t have to compromise your happiness to make anyone else happy because after a while you will start to dislike the very person who you wanted to make happy. Your husband shall be mature enough to talk about this without pulling the old am withholding the sex routine to get his way. If you’re rocking your new look to the fullest and I hope you are, let husband know that there are plenty men that find your look attractive , so he shall not hold out on the sex to long. Sound like to me he’s looking for a excuse not to live up to his manly duties. Take a closer look at the relationship.
Tell him to go get him a White Woman!
#byetyrone !
Kick his assets out of the bed and find a real Black Man. If EVER other Race of Women can wear their Natural hair why cant we.
Marriage is much more than hair! You and only you can figure out what you need to do. Divorce should not be an option. Pray and fast! God will lead you!
Oh please! My husband begged me to have natural hair. When we first met I had long natural hair. That ain’t love. Be you and be with someone who love you for you.
Please don’t listen to this ungodly advice. What God has joined together, let no man (or woman) put asunder. You need to get off this blog and work things out with your husband privately. COMPROMISE
You are clearly out of your rabbit a** mind. Don’t bring God into this foolishness.
A rod set is nice also. !
I have no idea what to say to this lady! Im shocked and appalled by her husband! This makes me believe that her husband is dealing with a deep hatred of our true nature of our hair! I’m natural also! I’m single too and if that’s the reason no one is interested that’s totally the black mans lost! Im confident in who I am and if no one likes the way my hair looks thats their problem! I can’t do nothing but pray for this sister!
Seriously did he marry you or the hair?
Hey he should love you by your inner beauty and except the way you wear your hair that’s your choice anyways, and if he’s not being intimate with you he’s going to sooner or later. Just pray on this situation everything going to get better in the marriage
This should put up a flag for you. If your intimacy is compromised because of your “hair”, there must be another problem that is in the dark and needs to come to the light. Does he have a secret life.? Is he getting satisfied somewhere else? Is he on the “down low”? Please beware and be careful. Men are not what they use to be.
SMDH so hard I’m dizzy. …that bulls**t. .
Bro got his marriage vows and his relationship to his wife twisted. Get it over it and be there for you partner/wife.
IT’S H-I-M, NOT Y-O-U. Tell him to stop lying
Tell him you won’t sleep with him due to HIS being natural and wait…
Put a wig don t fix it and ask him if. He prefer have the wig and his and when u make love
Talk to him. Be open and honest. Hes your husband and Im sure talking to him about this will work much better than what is being said here
I think you need to pray about this and proceed to tell him why you choose to go natural in the first place. I also think you need to tell him how this deeply hurts you and he is withholding intimacy from you is not a good thing for either of you. Ask him to put himself in your position, how would he feel if you behaved that way. This is not a solution but will eventually become a bigger problem. I hope this helps, stay strong my sister.
Time to get a real man
yeah time to get a man to have respect for you!
Time to get real love
wow this is some craziness. I have natural hair and I am so thankful he appreciates my decision to be natural
Get rid of him…my god its only hair
If he can’t except you for natural hair he have way more issues
True sister
Lol this is funny…he can’t run his hands thru it????????????
Get u a wig get ur groove on then go back to ur natural baby just play along.
He wants to control you. RUN!
Kick him out of your home!
I watched the movie, “Nappily Ever After”. At first it was a struggle, then she accepted herself eventually, and stop living up to the exceptions of others.
(For a raw moment) What does the hair on her head have to do with what he’s after between her legs) ijs ????????♀️ He’s going to lose her.
Well kick his ass out n get a new one ????????♀️????
Wow. Sad how our race does one bother due to “Hair”. We have enough problems outside of that.